Less Me  

Am I the only one?  Do you ever have a problem and wonder that?  Am I the only one that has difficulty dealing with doctors?  I am not talking about wanting to go to a doctor in a obvious state of overweightness and have them not hyper-focus on my weight instead of my ailments.  I AM overweight, and when I go to a doctor and we don’t discuss my being overweight, it leaves me highly suspect.

I’m talking about the ones that don’t listen to you and prescribe medications without even thinking through the implications of the side effects.  As I’ve posted, I am seeing a counselor for depression, emotional eating and I-cant-do-my-job-itis.  I had a difficult childhood.  Not going into it here, but I have something wrong with me.  What ever it is, I’m extremely high functioning, because I’ve managed to live a happy & productive life without treatment.  Maybe it’s Adult ADD, maybe it’s bipolar disorder, could be borderline personality disorder and it might be post traumatic stress disorder.

Pretty broad range, and kind of similar all at the same time.  They tend to be serious disorders.  They tend to need serious medication.  I am currently not being treated.  And it’s getting difficult getting through my days.  This happens some times.  I get in over my head with life.  Here is one of my problems.  We live in a society of drive-through psychiatry.  About 12 years ago, I got a 15 minute diagnosis for bipolar disorder and was prescribed Zoloft and sent on my way.  I am not exagerating.  15 minutes in she said “oh, I know what you’re problem is”.

I question doctors.  I don’t think I am smarter than them.  I don’t believe in self-diagnosis.  But I do believe in being a responsible patient to get quality care.  Doctors are moving way too fast nowadays.   My belief  is that if they can talk me through my diagnosis and let me add additional facts, and hear those facts and take them into consideration, I have a higher chance of getting quality care.  Just how I am, why they find that troublesome, I do not know.

Although I didn’t feel good about the diagnosis (I don’t suffer from ‘manic’ episodes), I filled the prescription and went on my way.  3 days into it I became emotionally ‘aggressive’.  By 5 days in I was so filled with some weird hate and aggression mixed with apathy that I thought maybe I should call my doctor.  She did not return my call for another 5 days.  Within that timeframe, I stopped taking the meds.

Even though she didn’t call me back for 5 days, she yelled at me for stopping the meds… didn’t I know how dangerous it was to abruptly come off medication like that.  Well maybe I figured since you didn’t find it necessary to call me back within a reasonable time that I had no choice.  So shoot me.  (And yes, she did say “oh, that can’t be happening”.  And she followed it up with “Well, it will only last for a few weeks”. )  Do they even listen to themselves???  ”Oh, that will go away IN A FEW WEEKS”.  What am I supposed to do in the meanwhile, kill all my friends?

She switched it out to Paxil and off we went.  9 days into it, I was in the same “emotional aggressive” state.  Do I even need to say that I just quietly stopped taking the meds and didn’t even bother calling her?  I hate when they do that.  ”That can’t be happening”???  Hey, doctor, are you CRAZY???  I know what I am feeling.  I also checked with several people around me to see if they were seeing what I was feeling.  Duh.  Same thing happened many years ago when I was prescribed Wellbutrin to quit smoking.  I did not know that 1% of the population will suffer from panic attacks associated with taking the medication.  About 3 weeks in, I’m stuck 300 miles from home, alone with my kids, and start having REALLY bad panic attacks.  Long to short, I called the doctor on that Monday to talk with him about it and the first words out of his mouth are: “that can’t be happening”.

Fast forward to my head-shrinking appointment today.  ”Well, I am getting a sense of what it might be, but I need to put the anxiety in check before I can complete my diagnosis”.  So far, so good.  ”I want to prescribe Seroquel for you, now that’s an anti-psychotic medication but they use it off-label to treat things like bipolar disorder and anxiety”.  Wow, pretty scary, but ok, go on.  ”There are a few side effects that I need to tell you about”.  Well, of course, aren’t there always.  But I’m still good.

“One of the side effects are sleepiness, but that should be good for you, it will help with your difficulty sleeping.”.  My ears perk up, what?  I specifically said I don’t have ANY trouble sleeping.  I wonder what else she didn’t hear.  You see, I have a problem with a bipolar disorder diagnosis.  Yes, I do, I can admit that.  Unfortunately, none of my doctors ever did one small thing.  They never asked me WHY I might disagree with that diagnosis.  It’s pretty simple.  I don’t have ‘manic’ episodes.  I don’t have trouble sleeping, in fact I sleep just fine.  But go on, doctor…

“Another side effect is that it can cause metabolic problems, it can raise your blood sugar levels and lipids, it can cause high cholesterol but you’ll be ok because you get a lot of physical activity, you’ll be fine”.  Whoa.  Did you say it would raise my blood sugar levels?  And my lipids?  What exactly does that mean?  ”Well, you’re blood sugar levels will go up”.  Oh, so it will make me fat?  Don’t you know I am already dealing with a metabolic issue already???  Didn’t we already discuss that???

What she MEANT to say is that taking this medication CAN cause diabetes in some patients.  In fact, the manufacturer is currently involved in several lawsuits pertaining to just that.  Now, we discussed a lot in the 1.5 hours we shared.  Unfortunately, while we talked about a lot of things we did not discuss my family history of illnesses.  So, she doesn’t know that diabetes RUNS IN MY FAMILY.  That the sister that we did talk about is a Type I insulin dependent diabetic.

What bothered me the most is that she didn’t ask me why her diagnosis would make me afraid.  Remember, I suffer from and am currently being treated for anxiety disorder.  Duh.  So maybe I will respond a little hyper-vigilant towards the diagnosis.  Duh.  Maybe, just maybe it’s because I am afraid and not because I want to self-diagnosis myself.  Duh.  Maybe it’s as simple as needing my fear to be validated.

I wish they understood that while they’re just “doing their job” that “THIS IS MY LIFE”.   It’s important.  Treat it as such.