Less Me  

Not a rant really, just a conversation about how I feel and what’s not working.  I have not effectively tweeted my food intake every day.  Because of that, I only have a hazy understand of what foods I have eaten for the last few days.  I spent 3 days only having shakes, keeping calories 1000 or less and only eating one solid-ish meal.  I gained 2 lbs.  Looking back over the last 30 days or so, I have accomplished (((((big, loud drumroll, please))))) nothing.

OK.  So, another 30 days sits before me.  The shakes are not working overall.  They were great for giving me a fast, carry-able meal, but I don’t think they are working for weight-loss for me.  Even last year, as I went from 180lbs to 168lbs, I was highly metabolically resistant.  Any carbs at all and I would gain.  The soy protein doesn’t give me the same feeling as animal protein.  I’ve got the shakes all the time, no pun intended.  I’m going back to steak and eggs.

No exercise.  Scanning the last month this was the most consistent thing that I saw.  The medication messed me up.  That was real.  I’m still out of sorts, but I am bringing things together, making habit changes.  One reason for no exercise is complete and total lack of motivation at all.  Another reason was no control over my time management.  I had the time, I just didn’t set things up in an orderly, routine way to get it done.  Work on this is 3-fold.

1.  Next Wednesday I meet with the doctor to test for Adult ADD.  If this is the problem, many intrinsic difficulties should begin to work themselves out.  Scheduling, prioritizing, focusing, the list of troubles I’m experiencing is long.

2. Tuesday is meeting #3 with therapist.  I’ve done a great job swallowing my pride and setting up a clear picture for her so she understands where I’m at.  I actually got a homework assignment and am working on it.  This will be helpful to get my depression/motivation in line.  Also to support me as I make some behavioral changes.  We are even going to look at the emotionality of my eating habits, so I can alleviate them.  When it comes to emotional eating, it’s not about discipline, it’s about managing your emotions.

3.  Scheduling blocks.  I will begin to put necessary activities into scheduled time-blocks starting Monday.  This will be my biggest hill for the next 30 day period.   I have a day assigned for blogging on each of my blogs (I have work-related blogs).  A day assigned for each type of weight-lifting I will do.  And I will come up with daily work tasks that are small and manageable so I can get back to working more.

Even though I did not lose weight last month, we have to look at that time period open-mindedly.  I did get my eating under control.  I have stopped racing to the convenience store for 3 king-sized candy bars every time I have to go meet with clients or a doctor’s appointment.  We are not eating 40% of our meals in restaurants.  This I may be losing on soon, since Mr. Wonderful (sarcasm added for dramatic effect) is down to 211lbs from the 238lbs.  He’s lost 27lbs in one month using the shakes.  Sometimes… he gets a little selfish.  He will want to go to a restaurant now because he ‘deserves’ it and thinks I should just exercise control.  To me, that is a little insensitive.  If our places were reversed, I know that I would not feel put out to stick to the plan if he was struggling with results.  I would work that much harder to help him feel stronger.  Cest’  la vie.

No, wait… back up.  You know I am not going to blame my spouse for my fatness, but I would like to say a few things.  When you live with someone, you influence them a great deal.  While the changing of habits and exercising, calorie counting and getting the work done are 100% my responsibility, it would be helpful if my partner did his part understanding his role in my dysfunctionality.  This isn’t about shifting blame, but rather shedding light on the importance of team effort.  I don’t know that stepping away from your overweight spouse and saying “gee, honey, I’ll still be here for you when you get done”. is really a true sign of effective support.

Mr. Wonderful and I bought a sailboat.  Sailboating is different from power-boating.  It’s more of a team effort.  Well, it’s totally a team effort.  It’s a 22′ Catalina.  Just long enough for novices to handle, big enough that I can’t sit back sunning while he sails me around.  I am amazed how much good this boat, specifically, is going to be in redeeming our marriage.  Mr. Wonderful thinks he is a team player.  He played football and basketball in high school and he just KNOWS he’s a great team player.  Righhht.  He is starting to see some things.  Like… he takes cheap shots.  And… he hogs the ball.  He has little temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.  He likes to stomp his feet really loud, no matter how damaging those steps might be to those around him.  And he’s totally oblivious to it all.  ”Quit naggin me, woman, I ain’t doin that…”

Well, on a sailboat all your mis-moves are amplified.  There is not a lot of space, the water is rough and the wind changes constantly.  You can’t skate by unscathed.  You get to see your mistakes and circumstances force you to ‘change them or go down’.  Simplistic but effective.  I like that.  So we are both being faced with behaviors that might be damaging to a team effort and are being required to address them immediately.  Several of them have come up for me and I am diligently working on them.  But surprisingly, he is finally able to 1.  see that he is not a good team player, and 2.  relate that to other areas of our life together.  Personally I think all couples should take the marriage counseling money, buy a sailboat and tell each other “we either learn to sail together, or we’re both going down!”

Mentally I keep going back to the no exercise.  I want to beat the heck out of myself in some “there, see, at least you’ve done something” kind of a stupidity rant.  With restarting the bike training (I train others, so I have to show up.. and I have to actually ride) I have ride accountability Saturday & Sunday.  I want to effectively trouble-shoot weight training Monday – Friday.  I’m at a loss.  Like right now.  I am so terrified to go down the hall and lift weights right now.  So I am blogging instead.  And this has become the most important thing I can do right at this moment.  But the therapy will help with that.  We take irrational thoughts and reframe them into rational beliefs.  I can do Mondays, because I already have the chest routine written out and in my phone, ready to go.  I just haven’t done any of the other days.  And yes, I know I could be doing them now instead of writing this but this is making me feel better, the writing down of the work out routine… the taking control of my life one task at a time… that is not going to make me feel any better right now.  And remember, it’s my dysfunctionality I’m clinging to here, don’t try & confound me with logic and reason.

This is important because it brings me to the next issue.  I am lonely.  And it is breaking my heart right now.  That is what I am seeing.  I own my own business, so during ‘no employee’ times, I work all by myself.  And during times of great distress, I let my employees go so I don’t have to deal with the stress of having them around.  Then I spend all my time alone and feel lost.  Disconnected.  I wonder what this is.  I wonder what is causing me to withdraw from people and then suffer because I’m alone.  I’ve always been good at being alone.  At not feeling lonely just because I was alone.  But recently, I feel lonely all the time.  Even when I’m around people.  What is this?  Is it the “if I get well, then I won’t be allowed to be unwell” issue?  Have I become THAT person???  No way.  Not me???  Not the “I got my stuff so together, it’s makin your head hurt” me???  I would never become THAT person.

Could I?