She’s getting closer. She ain’t there yet, but at least she’s getting closer. I don’t mean to repeat myself, but I am amazed at her dependence on the head-shrinker. It is unfortunate that she doesn’t understand the value she brings to my treatment. I’m trying to sort through all we discussed today, trying to remember the important stuff. Too much on my plate, perfectionism, lack of understanding of skills to problem-solve the issues.
I think she’s finally given up on the bipolar deal, thank God. Now if I can just convince her I don’t want to be perfect. I have perfection issues, but I know they are counter-productive. I know they do not serve a viable purpose. I just have trouble seeing them, so it’s hard for me to address it on my own. God, we spent a lot of time today talking about my marriage. I wish she understood if the marriage was the only thing wrong… I’d have it fixed already.
Without diminishing the role of marriage or side-stepping the problems Mr. Wonderful & I are going to need to work on, this is not the core of the problem. Just take for example my perfection problem. Imagine the stress that must put Mr. Wonderful through. How much relief will the marriage see if I am able to diminish my need for perfection when I get stressed. OMG, it’s amazing.
Definition
Hamachek describes two types of perfectionism.
Normal perfectionists “derive a very real sense of pleasure from the labours of a painstaking effort”.
Neurotic perfectionists are “unable to feel satisfaction because in their own eyes they never seem to do things well enough to warrant that feeling of satisfaction”.
Burns defines perfectionists as “people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment”.
In the book ‘Too Perfect’, the authors describe perfectionists as having obsessive personality types. The obsessive personality type is distinct from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD); OCD is a clinical disorder that may be associated with specific ritualized behavior.
According to Mallinger and DeWyze, perfectionists are obsessives who need to feel in control at all times to protect themselves and ensure their own safety.
By being constantly vigilant and trying extremely hard, they can ensure that they not only fail to disappoint or are beyond reproach but that they can protect against unforeseen issues (such as economic downturn).
Vigilance may include constant monitoring of the news, weather, and financial markets.
Perfectionism is one of the 16 Personality Factors identified by Raymond Cattell, and its descriptors of High Range are “organized, compulsive, self-disciplined, socially precise, exacting will power, control, self-sentimental”.
In the Big Five personality traits, perfectionism is an extreme of Conscientiousness and can provoke increasing Neuroticism as the perfectionist’s expectations are not met.
Stoeber & Otto (2006) recently reviewed the various definitions and measures of perfectionism. They found that perfectionism comprised two main dimensions: perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns.
Perfectionistic strivings are associated with positive aspects and perfectionistic concerns with negative aspects (see below).
Healthy perfectionists rate high in perfectionistic strivings and low in perfectionistic concerns, whereas unhealthy perfectionists rate highly in both strivings and concerns.
Results from a free on-line personality test:
You emphasize past experience, realism, common sense, and practical issues. You have a matter of fact style and are direct rather than indirect. You prefer applicable, concrete knowledge over abstract, theoretical knowledge. When someone explains something to you, you often ask them to provide an example.
You are most comfortable dealing with the here and now, the real world. When someone asks, ‘But what if x happens or y happens?’, you respond by saying, ‘It hasn’t yet happened. Let’s deal with it if and when it does, instead of wasting time now speculating about it.’ You trust information gathered by your own five senses over any other information source. Avoiding speculation and exaggeration is important to you.
You would rather say ‘I get things done’ than ‘I create ideas and possibilities.’ You don’t like it when people jump around in their thoughts or when ideas don’t logically flow.
Caution area: you may sometimes overlook long-range planning by being too focused on the moment.
How you prefer to make decisions:
You make decisions using your heart rather than your mind. Logic is important to you, but so is the human element. You would rather that a person was illogical yet considerate than accurate and cold-hearted. You focus on how a decision will affect others.
When coming to conclusions, you believe that there are often no black or white solutions. Each situation has different circumstances.
You can sometimes become ‘caught up’ by the moment- carried away by a feeling or impression. For example, if you go shopping, you may sometimes become inspired to buy things that you don’t need, simply because it ‘feels’ like something you need at the time. Later, after putting some thought into the matter, you may realize that what you bought was not exactly the item that you needed or wanted.
The environment you do best in:
You don’t mind leaving questions unanswered and plans unscheduled. You like surprises – gifts, notes, unexpected phone calls. You enjoy the excitement and flexibility of the unplanned and prefer to leave many outcomes to chance. You appreciate having options and alternatives.
You prefer to have freedom from obligations, and enjoy starting things more than finishing things.
Having the freedom to follow your impulses is important to you.
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