Less Me  

What will it look like when she (the counselor) is finished.  Alternative title: “What does normal look like to you?”

{{{Big sigh}}}  I will be able to breathe.  I will get up everyday excited cuz I have a kick-axx life (I actually HAVE a kick-axx life, I just can’t enjoy it right now    ):

I will be able to work out for an hour, because it’s healthy.  I will not be afraid to walk down the hall to my gym and spend some enjoyable time there.  Keep in mind, my favorite exercise has always been weight training.

I will be able to go to work.  I will not be afraid.  I will not have that overwhelming sense of dread.  It will not be uncomfortable.  My brain will function in a manner that is has always been capable of.  I will go back to being brilliant.  And will believe that I am brilliant, on the inside.  (please don’t confuse this as a grandiose statement, people have described me as brilliant.)

Every day I will be able to effectively organize my priorities so I get the most important things done.  I will not go into fear lock-down and spend hours on useless tasks because they scare me.  I will be able to come up with schedule blocks.  I will do the schedule blocks I have set up in a disciplined manner.  And do them because it’s time to do them and not because I wasted so much time not doing them that something terrible is about to happen or the world is going to come crashing to an obliterating halt.

I will be able to leave my office or house to go to an appointment without doing a hundred little unnecessary things that will cause me to have to race there or be late.  When an angry client or customer calls, I will be able to respond to them effectively and compassionately like before without allowing it to send me into lock-down.  Having dealt with said angry client effectively, I will feel good about my ability to feel empathy for others, my amazing problem-solving skills and my charismatic, fun-loving nature.

I will be able to send out necessary emails, reimbursement checks and phone calls in a timely manner because I am not in fear lock-down.   I will not pull my mind into a crisis situation just so I can get it to work.  I won’t have to anymore.  I will effectively learn how to function in a non-crisis environment.  I will be in control of setting my limitations instead of the fear I feel doing it for me.

I will be able to plan scary things like seminars at realtor offices and not be so focused on complete perfection that I never get it scheduled.  I will relearn how to write a to do list.  I will once again be able to work through a to do list and be able to maintain my concentration.  I will not be so easily distracted that small details on the list bog me down for hours.  I will come up with effective systems for finding customers and clients.  I will actually schedule and do the systems I have in place a little each day so I am bringing in more business.

I will be able to effectively plan the expansion of my business.  I will do this with joy because I am capable and very skilled.  I will not be so afraid that I am going to get in trouble because I really don’t know what I am doing.  I do know what I am doing and am very good at my job.

I will be able to hire employees and not let them being around me stress me out so much I have to let them go.  My brain will unlock and work, enabling me to make decisions in a timely manner instead of fretting about stupid things until so much time has passed that I have to just grab the nearest decision and hope for the best.

I will stop work-related procrastination caused by some fear-based uncomfortableness that is difficult to describe (its like a very numb sharp pain).   I will be able to get up from my desk and remember why I walked across the building.  I won’t have to walk across the building 5 times to remember what the hell I needed to do.

I will have scheduled time for creative tasks like updating websites or writing ads.  I will finish the marketing book for the realtor seminars based on a to-do list that was effectively followed.  I will incorporate an ‘end’ to my day that allows me to spend some relaxing time with my hobbies.  I will be able to look to tomorrow’s workday in a rational manner and not get so fear-locked that I cannot leave my womb (my desk with my computer).

I will be able to enjoy the cycling club I made and I run.  I will be able to do occasional marketing to bring more riders in.  I will be able to send out weekly emails and not be locked down in some strange, gray fear.  I will stop thinking that no one has any fun when they show up because they were forced to deal with me.  I will enjoy teaching and continue to be more effective at it.  This has been my source of relating with others, being healthy, staying in shape.  I love it.

I have turned it into a hated task that I force myself to do that leaves me feeling like a terrible person that can never follow through on what she says , is always late and highly disorganized.  Feeling as though people cannot stand me, do not like riding with me and think I’m an arrogant know-it-all will go away.  I will be less rigid.  I will be comfortable giving clinics and riding seminars.  I will enjoy riding and these friendships again.

I will be able to schedule and do my hobbies.  Photography, singing,  fire dancing.  I will learn how to enjoy them a little each week with patience.  I will think it is ok to schedule time to do them and I’m not going to get in trouble for doing them.  (because I’m not working, like I’m supposed to be)

I will be able to go to the grocery store and not be overwhelmed.  I will enjoy being out around people and not feel that gray uncomfortableness any more.  Leaving my house or office will just be leaving my house or office, not some huge ‘thing’ that overwhelms me.  Coming home will just be coming home, not escaping from a horrible situation to a safe place.

I will feel safe.